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How to help your loved one with BPD
- Learn as much as you can about BPD-there are tons of resources, websites, books, blogs, etc about BPD. It's a good idea to read scholarly articles in addition to other websites. Google Scholar has a lot of good articles on BPD. Message me for more ideas
- Join a support group for family members of someone with BPD-NAMI has a great family-to-family class that is for family members of people with mental illness. It's not specific to BPD, but it is a great class nonetheless. www.nami.org
- Listen actively and be sympathetic-Those with BPD appreciate really being heard
- Do your best to stay calm, even when the person with BPD is acting out
- Try to distract your loved one when emotions rise-distraction is most effective when the activity is also soothing
- talk about things other than the disorder
- ask them how they're doing
- when delivering difficult information/cushion it with support and empathy
- use nonjudgmental words to describe their behaviors
- be sensitive to their triggers, especially around rejection and abandonment
- validate, validate, validate
- encourage that they seek professional help
- have fun together!
- take suicidal threats and behaviors seriously
- be sure to take care of your own emotional and physical health
- set boundaries-setting limits can help them better handle the demands of the outside world, like school, work, or the legal system
- they benefit best from a home environment that is calm and relaxed
- the 3 C's rule-I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, I can't Control it
- recognize that your loved one is suffering, and that their hurtful behaviors are a reaction to deep emotional pain
- communication is key-recognize when it's safe or not safe to start a conversation
Things not to say/do
- don't make threats or ultimatums
- don't enable them
- you're so emotionally unstable
- why can't you hold down a relationship?
- why are you so angry all the time?
- just pull yourself together!
- it's like you have two different personalities
- you're crazy- this is probably the worst thing you could say to someone with a mental illness, it's abusive and is considered gaslighting
- there is something seriously wrong with you
- it's all in your head
- be more positive
- nothing-probably the most maddening thing to say to someone with borderline is nothing. We cannot end it like that. We need some kind of resolve
- you're being manipulative and attention-seeking
- you're just overreacting
- you're too sensitive
